by Dr. Ian Gravagne | August 7, 2018
Sometimes I contemplate what my relationship with my children will be like when they are grown; probably most parents do. We hope our kids will still want our presence in their lives, but wonder to what degree our involvement will be desired or even possible. Will they live close by or far away? Will they marry? Will their future spouse like us? In my work, I have known scores of young adults and observed the entire spectrum of parental relationships. I have noticed that, often, the most resilient young adults are those with at least one parent they consider to be a close friend. It has therefore become one of my parenting goals to increase the odds that my kids will think of their parents as friends one day.
Friendship is a unique relationship among human beings. In its truest form, neither person is obligated toward the other, as in marriage or employment or a student/teacher relationship (although friendship can certainly exist in these contexts). Rather, both enter into a voluntary communion based on common interest, shared vision, and a desire for the other’s wellbeing and companionship. True friendships are, as C.S. Lewis writes, “relationships freely chosen,” adventures in which each person surrenders some control over the future path both will follow. The best friendships shape each friend into a better version of himself over time. Understandably, parents may hope to form their children into the kinds of people who will be ready to make and keep good friends.
But what practical steps can parents take to cultivate child-parent friendship while their children are young? Obviously, friendship between a parent and a five year-old cannot assume its fullest dimension. Yet, in scripture there are instances where God declares certain of His children to be friends despite the imbalance of power, ability and wisdom. Abraham and Moses were evidently friends of God (Exodus 33:11, James 2:23), and Jesus declared that his disciples were his friends too (John 15:14-15). An examination of these instances yields some insights for parents.
Obedience.In all three cases, friendship with God is clearly predicated on obedience. Jesus declares, “Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you.” At first blush this may not seem like friendship at all. How can one friend demand the other obey? But we should remember that we are children in God’s eyes. An abounding friendship with Him is coming in Heaven, but for now obedience is the necessary prerequisite – and so it must be with our children. There is no realistic hope for them to be our friends in adulthood without requiring obedience in childhood, praising it when it occurs, and administering discipline when it doesn’t.
Time.We also see that the Lord and His friends spent time with one another. Moses communed with God in His presence; both he and Abraham were able to speak directly with Him. Jesus took time away from His ministry to teach and to know each of His disciples and various others, and worked side by side with them countless hours. It seems obvious that no friendship can thrive unless the friends invest precious time with each other, but often in parenting circles a quality vs. quantity debate arises. The scriptural examples show both are necessary, with undivided attention, spread over years. No shortcuts.
Reciprocity.Another key aspect of these relationships is reciprocity. God – as YHWH and Jesus – asked these men (and asks us!) to give their hearts and lives to Him. But as their relationship with Him matured, He granted them in return unusual power and authority to achieve His purposes. It is a common theme in friendships, that each person grants the other special privileges for mutual benefit. Such mutually beneficial exchange may include, for example: special access, emotional support, sharing of possessions or expertise, a listening ear, and a willingness to be positively influenced by the other. The stronger the friendship, the greater the reciprocity in it. I was reminded recently that God is a person (or, more precisely, three persons). A mature relationship with Him cannot consist of only me talking and Him listening, only me taking and Him giving. Reciprocity existed between these Biblical figures and God as well.
Rarity.Have you ever wondered why so few Biblical characters are named as friends of God? Perhaps scripture calls us to reflect on the rarity and gift of friendship, especially in the age of social media where friendship has been demoted to an electronic checkbox. But I also suspect this special designation is rare because very few human beings have attained the spiritual maturity to be a true friend of the Creator. When I was young, even through high school, I knew other kids with “cool” parents. Those kids got to stay up late, had televisions in their rooms, ate tastier snacks than my mom provided, went where they wanted, enjoyed more freedom and generally lived the high life. Or so I thought. Trying to be our children’s best friends too early is a trap and may lead to permissive parenting. They need our love, encouragement, understanding, discipline, and teaching (and friends their own age!) but most children are simply not mature enough for parental friendship. My goal now is to do everything possible to position my children for friendship – voluntary, free and reciprocal – as adults, which unfortunately means I will never be one of the cool parents.
There are no earth-shattering revelations here. We all know that time and discipline, in particular, are key ingredients in the child-rearing recipe. But I fear that when we verbalize the desired outcomes of our parenting work, our words are too ethereal – for instance, “I hope my kids grow up to be good people,” or “productive citizens,” or even “working for the Lord”. There is nothing wrong with those ideas, except they’re hard to precisely define. Personally, I need something definite and tangible that will really matter to me in later years. “I hope my kids grow up to be among my closest friends,” strongly motivates me in doing the present work of investing time and administering discipline. So does, “I hope my kids will give their hearts to Jesus.”
Two final observations: First, children may not always want our investment of time. (And, of course, they never want our discipline!) My kids would prefer to play games, read books, goof off, do schoolwork, or do anything else besides help me build the backyard chicken coop in Texas in July. This is normal, but we must continue to engage their minds and bodies day after day. Which leads to my second observation, that investments of time need not always be “fun” in the kid sense of the word. In retrospect, working alongside my dad in his piano rebuilding shop, constructing decks and fences together, working out difficult mathematics problems with him, practicing piano duets and taking miles-long hikes with my mom, even washing the cars together – all were quality investments of time just as good as bowling games and movie nights. They fostered character, which in turn (in my teenage years) promoted reciprocity and (in my adult years) real friendship.
What are your goals for parenting? Are they well-defined? How will you know when they are achieved? Are you taking the necessary steps to bolster those outcomes, even though they are years away? Your kids may be young, but I suspect you hope their adult selves will be a friend to you and a friend of God. Those are worthy outcomes to aim for.
